"I was moved to 16 different foster homes in two years."
This past summer, 16-year-old Selena Garcia arrived at the writing workshop at Represent, a quarterly magazine by and for youth in foster care that I edit. She was in constant motion: spinning in her office chair, flapping her arms to get called on during writing lessons, dancing, laughing, and singing under her breath.
Selena! Photo by Efrain Reyes. Used with permission.
"At age 12, I began running away, smoking weed, cutting school, and getting in fights. I felt that I could do whatever I wanted because no one cared enough to stop me. I was angry with myself: I thought I was the reason I was placed into foster care. I had so much rage that I took it out on everybody."In her first month at Represent, Selena produced thousands of words. One story details the first 10 years of her life with her adoptive parents. And like many of the stories from the kids who come through Represent, it wasn't an easy one to read.
Selena had every expectation of aging out on her own.
Then she was placed in the home of Jenny and Jose Garcia, where she could "smell the chicken baking and feel the good vibes."
Selena and Jose. Photo courtesy of the family.
That's when Selena's story started to change:
"Jenny's first words to me were, 'This is your new home, and this is a clean slate. Whatever you did in the past was the past. This is the present.' Then she told the boys to bring my bags to my room. I was sharing a room with Erica, 16, and Natasha, 12. I was happy to share a room, which felt better than being alone at night drowning in a bed full of thoughts."Selena began to feel safe and loved for the first time.
But the story she had to tell wasn't quite so simple.
It's hard to uncross wires crossed by years of unpredictability and disappointment. That's where Represent comes in — encouraging kids like Selena to find their voices and take control of their stories.
Selena in the Represent newsroom. Photo by Efrain Reyes.
Selena explained to me that when she first arrived at Represent, she would censor her stories: "I filtered out things I thought adults would judge, but in the editing, those were the things I was asked about, so I wrote about them. I got more confident about my writing. When I read my story out loud in the workshop, I was nervous that people would judge me, but they actually got kind of emotional, and I realized I connected with them. Before I used to think 'Why does all this bad stuff happen to me?' Writing about it made me think that I grow from all my experiences."Those experiences include the moment when, even after she found a home where she was loved deeply, she lashed out, ran away. One New Year's Eve, Jenny lost her temper and yelled at Selena about a fight between her two younger foster brothers.
"In that moment," Selena wrote, "I was sure she did not care about me. No one had ever cared, and no one ever would."
So she packed a bag, climbed out the window, and spent the next three days with a boy she had been seeing behind Jenny's back. Coming home on the subway, Selena remembers steeling herself for what she assumed would be another instance of getting kicked out of a new home.
Instead, Jenny cried with relief and took Selena in her arms.
Selena and Jenny. Photo courtesy of the family.
"I began to cry and tried to hide it, but she wiped my tears. She asked me why I hide my face when I cry and I said, 'Crying is a sign of weakness, and if I show people that I cry they will walk all over me.'About a year later, Jenny Garcia officially adopted Selena.
'Actually crying is the best way to release all anger or pain. It's better than bottling in your feelings,' Jenny said.
I asked her why she sticks by me and she replied emphatically, 'You're my child. I will never give up on my child. I love you.' I finally understood: This woman cares. It felt great. I felt loved and I loved the feeling of feeling loved."
Through the love from her new family and the power of her storytelling, Selena now envisions a new future.
"When I was younger, I never heard words of encouragement. It's crazy what words can do: My life has completely changed since I began living with Jenny. Now I see myself going to college and being a journalist, being successful."
